I know it’s less about me and more about Phydeaux, but we got DDoS’d in the last few weeks and it really fucked us over. We pulled the plug while sorting through things and plugged a few security holes that we took for granted.
Man, all those categories do not fit what we’re about here AT ALL. Time to wipe them clean and start anew.
Hello there ladies and gentlemen.
Hello there ladies and gents.
I’ve acquired this blog from internet pseudo-celeb Phydeaux. Apparently there was a falling out between him and his staff on this site so now it’s time for re-org’in!
I’m not much for “t3h videogames” so on this front page we will be discussing things that do matter to me; namely the culture war. Religious persecution (both to and fro!). And the ridiculous things our legal system does in the name of sexual oppression.
And let’s not forget that there’s still racism, homophobia and chauvinism that we need to purge from this country. Were we not once the last bastion of freedom? Of ideas? Of innovation?
Got to give us what we want
Gotta give us what we need
Our freedom of speech is freedom or death
We got to fight the powers that be
Article to follow, with an inevitable rebuttal from Andrew1911.
Real, two months from completion, cancelled.
Raise. Fucking. Hell.
Nintendo’s Contact Us
XBox’s Major Nelson
Request that your message gets forwarded to the appropriate divisions. Mention concisely that you’d pay good money for this game, and if both corporations cannot behave long enough at the bargaining table, you’re not going to buy another XBLA or VC title again in the future due to this opportunity slipping through their fingers.
Writer Father Raymond J. De Souza says that Tetris is very close to being inherently evil. Read it. It is full of many lulz. Almost close to that of Ted Steven’s tubes or the weekly Thompson rant.
My response: Father: Hopefully you won’t disregard this entire letter as based on my following, opening statement, but I must say that I’m entirely surprised that any of my religious cohorts are frothing at the mouth in the name of any electronic entertainment, much less titles that have beneficial value. Perhaps well beyond your casual experience with Tetris, I will readily discuss that I’ve been playing the game casually for nearly two decades, and within the last couple of years have been in tournaments and have even been classified as a top ten player in a couple of different iterations of the game. I’m also a contributor to a site called http://www.tetrisconcept.com/ where, if you take a quick look around in the Wiki, you’ll realize that there’s more to the game than obsessive-compulsive problem solving ala “filling the gaps with geometric shapes”. It operates off the properties of puzzle pieces used for a specific purpose, part of strategies, conservation and applicable risk. Unlike the randomness that we experience in life, or physical sports or business, there is a confinement to games like Tetris. There are rules like gravity, rules to how the physics and rotations work, rules to scoring. There is nothing political about it, like business. There is nothing arbitrary about it, like in physical sports where a referee can throw his weight around, and it is not unfair like the perception of life from a Godless existence. Tetris is very much constructed, in a geometric sense, like the Great Beyond where we’ll share and spend eternity. Perfection, symmetry, and accomplishing a goal that will last an eternity. As an aside to the recognizable benefits, here in America, high school students are made to take the ASVAB test, which is a large, all-subjects encompassing test that our military branches use to gauge a student’s usefulness to the service, and what their strengths would be. One of these sections is “coding”. The ability to take and absorb bursts of information, disseminate it and apply it. I scored 99 percentile. Curious by my score, the administrator returned with the tests a week later and inquired if I had semi-regularly played video games, namely games such as Tetris, Columns or Bejeweled. Apparently it’s a trend that they frequently see in testing. Obviously, they solicited me for service for a long time, and this was in a pre-9/11 world. I strongly, full-heartedly mean no offense, but I think the aspect of your article that focuses on your Tetris heyday and your view of it being a dangerous diversion, actually stems from a trouble or problem you have with addiction. That’s normal, people can become addicted to cigarettes, drinking, pornography, eating or in the most bizarre cases I’ve seen, Scripture, but it mostly all stems from moderation of your activity. Paul wrote, “Everyone that strives for the mastery is temperate in all things” (I Cor. 9:25) and “Let your moderation be known unto all men”. Anything in excess, even reading God’s Word in lieu of tending His sheep can be as sinful as the most debaucherous behaviour. I think your article, while it would’ve gotten less hits on a website, would’ve better served the people who would’ve read it if it actually attacked the core of the matter; gluttony and the lack of moderation as a society. You go on further as an aside and say that videogames are making kids fat; I couldn’t argue farther from the case. The Nintendo Wii, which has now sold 10 million units worldwide, is an extremely active machine, strongly encouraging movement and repetitive action that goes beyond that of an aerobics class, and I’ve never seen people walk out of Jazzercize with the smile I see beaming from their face after a round of Tennis or Boxing on the Wii. Even before the Wii, which came out a year ago, it can be counted in the tens of millions of how many Dance Dance Revolution, Karaoke Revolution and even Donkey Konga titles that were sold which emphasize strongly on rhythm, movement and exercise, including titles such as Dance Praise which are rhythm games that promote all the above and go so far as to include past Christian classics and contemporary praise into it’s musical ensemble, I’ll go so far as to say that when people play this game and “make a joyful noise” they are indeed giving praise to God and are absorbing the effects of the Holy Spirit. Much more encouraging than the living dead I encounter weekly in the pews. You also mention “Did I mention that far too many video games celebrate graphic violence, multifarious delinquency and borderline pornography?”, which makes me wonder what is your feelings on with David slaughtering his enemies and bringing Saul back their foreskins (1 Samuel 18:25-27)? What about the absolute entirety of Song of Solomon, which may be part allegory, may be a play-by-play of sexual activity, but is irregardless absolutely packed with sexual situations? How is Samson, a man chosen by God, fallen from grace and redeemed through sacrifice and along the way slays THOUSANDS (check out Judges 15:15-16) any different than Master Chief from Halo, Nathan Hale from Resistance: Fall of Man or Gordon Freeman from Half-Life? Other than Samson was real, and killed real people? Yet this is glorified and Samson is painted as one of the ultimate Manly-Men servants of God, yet those whose stories told in a medium so that the immersion allows for greater appreciation of Samson’s story, epics inspired almost directly from Biblical heroes of old, are written off by you as time-wasters, when they can be used to enrich a well-rounded Biblical understanding and ultimately a love for God. Let’s not kid ourselves. The very foundation and cornerstone of our faiths, God’s Word, is wrought with violence, sex and destruction. Some of it is glorified, some of it is not. Ultimately it all has a place in the journey that Man will take to return to the fold. We gain absolutely nothing from over-protecting our children; akin to never letting a mule leave the barn, when the reality is that they need to be out in the world, and blinders to be applied. The goal is that with the training, blinders aren’t needed and they are able to transverse this world because we are indeed in it, and not of it. But we should not remove ourselves from society because of our fears. There are many great Christians in the gaming industry and they make headway, or add touches to things that keep us all in the bigger picture, and keep the industry from degenerating into the cess pool that is Hollywood. I know you’ve probably received at least a hundred letters in scale and scope of this one, and hopefully you’ll actually read them and take something from them, rather than bind them and bind their anointing and hold it above your head and articulate into another column about how you have been “attacked” and how these letters will merely strengthen your resolve. I think it would do you some great good to step out of the abbey, find a youth center or some such that has video games among their arsenal, and just observe. Like human beings, video games are meant to be a social phenomenon. They are meant to be a generator of fellowship, and I have met great men and women through gaming. Through the tone of your article, I gather that your observations are limited to perhaps watching individuals or siblings playing alone, by themselves. I have seen mass gatherings of Christians, in the hundreds, to play games such as Super Smash Bros. Melee, and there’s not an observer among them, even the most staunch critic of the inclusion of video games in ministry, that can say that no one is the better for it. The Love of God is timeless, but the methods of getting people there to be in the midst of it are not. I don’t know how much damage control other progressive carriers of the torch of faith will have to do in order to defend you from the onslaught who cannot understand your position due to the points I’ve laid above, but it’s obvious from the comments I’ve read at GamePolitics and Joystiq alone that you’ve done some irreparable damage to the faith that will take years to work through. Anyway, thanks if you read this letter, and I would hope that in the future you’d consider the things Jesus has said rather than unfounded claims that you want others to hear. w00f w00f indeed, ”Phydeaux” - fido - faith, I do Jonathon Warden Universal Life Reverend, Liberal Quaker
Once upon a time there was a royal asshole named EJRaven. EJ decided one day that he needed his own forums so he could bitch about server bills and his morgate. He also really wanted to get Dugg, as though anyone cared. Thus, NSider2 was born.
However, it turns out that EJ had even bigger plans. Who knew that NSider2 was in line to replace the original NSider forums as the official Nintendo forums? Who knew that NSider2 was in line to replace such respected capitalist establishments as Ebay? These revelations only added fuel to the perpetual fire of hatred for the dipshit that was EJ.
People eventually began to rebel against EJ. His attempts to shut down spammers and other delinquents of teh interwebz failed, and he proved himself yet again to be a shitty admin.
Eventually, Nintendo created new forums, and everyone left NSider2. EJ, traumatized from the shock of the event, committed suicide by choking on his own dick.
Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you? Fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you, fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. We all saw this coming, fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. Nintendo, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Annoyed, will still buy two copies, but fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you. Sauce. Fuck-rutting fuck you. Fuck you fuck you. Ex-NSider’s that will say “see? All they do is spew the ‘f-word’.”, fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. It’s not your Wii code, but a bona-fide friend code so it’s fuck you one more fuck you code to fuck you keep up with. Fuck you. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck fuck fuck fuck you. The fuck you is a lie. At the end of the paragraph you will be served delicious fuck you. Fuck you fuck you; fuck you fuck you fuck you. Fuck you very much. Fuck.
Salutations Wii Owners of Generation X, Generation Y and Generation Crap:
This is Reggie with Nintendo, and it’s time for another neato update to add to your console which you share in a revolution counting 10 million units strong.
As you well know, this large jump in console sales when compared to last generation can be attributed to sales of units that are used by entire families instead of just the 12-25 year old manboy of the household. What this means is that we now have many MILFs, pedophiliac incestuous fathers and harmless, vulnerable little boys and girls using our consoles. This is a four-fold increase in use of our units from our usual “manboys that lock themselves in their mother’s basement and leave only to throw out their beer bottles that contain their waste”, and brings potential social problems to the table.
Now, with our competitors, they still have the manboy demographic, and if their title offerings are any indication, their demographics will stay like that. Forever. Since they’re anti-social by nature, their voice chats consist of “Imma gonna kick your ass”, “i can has slayer?” and “you nigger faggots cheated”. It’s a consolation thing, it keeps the manboys pacified, and it has been this way in the PC industry for years and years.
However, with our newly constructed demographic, I can tell at a glance on Fark’s homepage that there are more and more pedophile MILFs. Hot, juicy, blonde and renegade elementary school teachers that run off to Mexico with preteen and tweenaged boys, who make up our largest sales demographic in indirect sales. We must not open the WiiConnect24 portal up to where they can communicate to others on the network. The tweenaged demographic moves systems, they generate buzz, even if it doesn’t come out of pocket. It is our absolute focus to protect these individuals. They must never know of so-called “sexings”. If they discover sex at an early age, that’s it. It’s over for us. They will then know that there is more to life than gaming. We are entirely reliant on this sales and grassroots group, which is why I’m proud to announce our alliance with Dr. James Dobson and Focus on the Family for a new, revamped “True Love Waits” program, in which one of twelve steps will indeed be “Play with your Wii.” to help teenagers abstain from sexual promiscuity. Details on this new program will be announced soon, probably around the time Super Smash Bros Brawl comes out.
Other online systems such as XBox Live and PlayStation Network react to online predators quickly, treating every report seriously and involve proper authorities to deal with any violations of local, state or federal laws. Here at Nintendo we have a slightly different approach. You’re not allowed to communicate with anyone, ever, at any time. We believe that in the average, American, white middle-class household, you do the same thing that I do at home; you give your kids a dose of ritalin, strap them down to a chair, and put a ball gag in their mouth. Because of these “real world limitations”, we feel that our online system is robust and makes full use of the technology presented, and the users don’t miss features that they couldn’t utilize anyway.
However, for the new Nintendo WiilyHD, I am excited to announce that WiiConnect24 will open up in ways that will exceed the competition for the next 2 and a half generations. In order to accomodate these features where strangers can call each other “cockfags”, new Wiimotes will double as diabeetus testing units, and since we know all child predators are diabetic, fat-lipped, greasy-haired slobs over 30, it makes for an easy narrowing process to separate the wheat from the chaff. The new Wiimote will gently prick your hand and analyze your blood. If you’re diabetic, the unit will upload all your Miis and your system’s profile to the Wii Globe Feature that’s shared with the Weather Forecast Channel and the News Channel. Now you can spin the globe and find a diabetic pedophile anywhere in the world. Isn’t that fantastic? And if they jump on WiiConnect24, any time they try to play a so-called “anonymous match”, they are stripped of any voice or communication abilities, and other “normal” users will be prompted with an additional screen with the “Connection Quality Verification Screen” that we aptly call the “The person you’re going to be playing is a pedophile and may hax the internet tubes so that they can molest you or your children or your children’s children. As a matter of fact, that’s all we can think of why they’re on here for. They’re not here to play an innocent game at all. As a matter of fact, they’re probably masturbating to the fact that you’re reading this warning message right now. Are you sure you want to play a match against this menace to society, even though they cannot communicate with you, nor you with them?” screen. If they click “no”, it continues searching for another match. If they say “yes”, then their profile is instantly uploaded to an Amber Alert pending/potential file.
Here at Nintendo, we are serious cat, I mean, serious about your health and safety. We are so serious, that in a recent re-org, not only did we close Nintendo NSider forums, but we implemented their staff members into new “positions” in which if there is any violation of your health or safety as pointed out by our Legal staff, then we give forty (40) lashes from a cat-’o-ninetales (punny!) to former Administrator and Optimus Rhyme frontman “NOA_Andy”.
So enjoy the Miis in the new “Check Mii Out” channel. Even multi-billion dollar corporations don’t get to enjoy them or integrate them into properties that you can enjoy. Hey. Stop it. Look at me. Yes. That’s good. Even though we’ve said that Miis will spill over into many games, you’re only going to see them on our properties.
{pulls pants up}
Okay, Liberty and Consumer Rights and our Customers’ Intelligence. You all can get off your knees now. Didn’t they all do a wonderful job during the presentation? Aaaaah, I certainly thought so!
{clapclapclapclap}
Thanks for your support for Nintendo, and remember, we’re the reason they had to re-rate Manhunt2, regardless of what anyone else in the industry claims responsiblity for. Unlike your parents, we love and will be wonderful surrogate parents for when they absolutely and horrendously fail, and if they haven’t already, they will.
Thank you and good night!
I got some OK swag this time. Got an army hat with the game’s logo on it with my review copy. I guess that’s pretty cool. My favorite review copy pack-in is still the PH hourglass even if the actual game was a major disappointment. But Galaxy will come with that pre-order coin, so that may beat out the hourglass.
It’s true: self-proclaimed Nintendo fanboy extraordinaire Alan Fucktard (I can only assume that that’s his last name) has admitted his new, scandalous love - that is, for Super Mario Galaxy, coming out in about three weeks or so.
According to Alan, the game is “THE BEST GAME EVER!!!” and totally tops formerly best games ever Metroid Prime 3, Phantom Hourglass, and pretty much every other first party game ever made. Needless to say, the other games are furious and are attempting to take this affair into court with Judge Judy.
Alan is 100% sure that this will be the best game ever made, even though he’s only had a little playtime with it (if any). And good for him. He’s obviously unbiased, and he’s more than willing to let you know if your opinion is wrong. If he’s so adamant about loving the game, then he can’t be wrong.
Alan, you sure are Mr. Gay.
