Get The FUNK, Outsider!

Salutations Wii Owners of Generation X, Generation Y and Generation Crap:

This is Reggie with Nintendo, and it’s time for another neato update to add to your console which you share in a revolution counting 10 million units strong.

As you well know, this large jump in console sales when compared to last generation can be attributed to sales of units that are used by entire families instead of just the 12-25 year old manboy of the household. What this means is that we now have many MILFs, pedophiliac incestuous fathers and harmless, vulnerable little boys and girls using our consoles. This is a four-fold increase in use of our units from our usual “manboys that lock themselves in their mother’s basement and leave only to throw out their beer bottles that contain their waste”, and brings potential social problems to the table.

Now, with our competitors, they still have the manboy demographic, and if their title offerings are any indication, their demographics will stay like that. Forever. Since they’re anti-social by nature, their voice chats consist of “Imma gonna kick your ass”, “i can has slayer?” and “you nigger faggots cheated”. It’s a consolation thing, it keeps the manboys pacified, and it has been this way in the PC industry for years and years.

However, with our newly constructed demographic, I can tell at a glance on Fark’s homepage that there are more and more pedophile MILFs. Hot, juicy, blonde and renegade elementary school teachers that run off to Mexico with preteen and tweenaged boys, who make up our largest sales demographic in indirect sales. We must not open the WiiConnect24 portal up to where they can communicate to others on the network. The tweenaged demographic moves systems, they generate buzz, even if it doesn’t come out of pocket. It is our absolute focus to protect these individuals. They must never know of so-called “sexings”. If they discover sex at an early age, that’s it. It’s over for us. They will then know that there is more to life than gaming. We are entirely reliant on this sales and grassroots group, which is why I’m proud to announce our alliance with Dr. James Dobson and Focus on the Family for a new, revamped “True Love Waits” program, in which one of twelve steps will indeed be “Play with your Wii.” to help teenagers abstain from sexual promiscuity. Details on this new program will be announced soon, probably around the time Super Smash Bros Brawl comes out.

Other online systems such as XBox Live and PlayStation Network react to online predators quickly, treating every report seriously and involve proper authorities to deal with any violations of local, state or federal laws. Here at Nintendo we have a slightly different approach. You’re not allowed to communicate with anyone, ever, at any time. We believe that in the average, American, white middle-class household, you do the same thing that I do at home; you give your kids a dose of ritalin, strap them down to a chair, and put a ball gag in their mouth. Because of these “real world limitations”, we feel that our online system is robust and makes full use of the technology presented, and the users don’t miss features that they couldn’t utilize anyway.

However, for the new Nintendo WiilyHD, I am excited to announce that WiiConnect24 will open up in ways that will exceed the competition for the next 2 and a half generations. In order to accomodate these features where strangers can call each other “cockfags”, new Wiimotes will double as diabeetus testing units, and since we know all child predators are diabetic, fat-lipped, greasy-haired slobs over 30, it makes for an easy narrowing process to separate the wheat from the chaff. The new Wiimote will gently prick your hand and analyze your blood. If you’re diabetic, the unit will upload all your Miis and your system’s profile to the Wii Globe Feature that’s shared with the Weather Forecast Channel and the News Channel. Now you can spin the globe and find a diabetic pedophile anywhere in the world. Isn’t that fantastic? And if they jump on WiiConnect24, any time they try to play a so-called “anonymous match”, they are stripped of any voice or communication abilities, and other “normal” users will be prompted with an additional screen with the “Connection Quality Verification Screen” that we aptly call the “The person you’re going to be playing is a pedophile and may hax the internet tubes so that they can molest you or your children or your children’s children. As a matter of fact, that’s all we can think of why they’re on here for. They’re not here to play an innocent game at all. As a matter of fact, they’re probably masturbating to the fact that you’re reading this warning message right now. Are you sure you want to play a match against this menace to society, even though they cannot communicate with you, nor you with them?” screen. If they click “no”, it continues searching for another match. If they say “yes”, then their profile is instantly uploaded to an Amber Alert pending/potential file.

Here at Nintendo, we are serious cat, I mean, serious about your health and safety. We are so serious, that in a recent re-org, not only did we close Nintendo NSider forums, but we implemented their staff members into new “positions” in which if there is any violation of your health or safety as pointed out by our Legal staff, then we give forty (40) lashes from a cat-’o-ninetales (punny!) to former Administrator and Optimus Rhyme frontman “NOA_Andy”.

So enjoy the Miis in the new “Check Mii Out” channel. Even multi-billion dollar corporations don’t get to enjoy them or integrate them into properties that you can enjoy. Hey. Stop it. Look at me. Yes. That’s good. Even though we’ve said that Miis will spill over into many games, you’re only going to see them on our properties.

{pulls pants up}

Okay, Liberty and Consumer Rights and our Customers’ Intelligence. You all can get off your knees now. Didn’t they all do a wonderful job during the presentation? Aaaaah, I certainly thought so!

{clapclapclapclap}

Thanks for your support for Nintendo, and remember, we’re the reason they had to re-rate Manhunt2, regardless of what anyone else in the industry claims responsiblity for. Unlike your parents, we love and will be wonderful surrogate parents for when they absolutely and horrendously fail, and if they haven’t already, they will.

Thank you and good night!

Tags: Legal, NSider, Phylosophy, Wii, Sony, Nintendo, Microsoft, Video Games //